Lessons from Cornell Part 3: When Someone Else’s Story Brings Your Trauma Back

The recent story of the Cornell 7 has been difficult for many of us to read.

The allegations are horrific. A young woman described being sexually assaulted by multiple men at a fraternity house. Read more details in our Cornell blog series part 1 and part 2.

All Girls Allowed condemns the actions of these and the numerous other people who have preyed on women at institutions across the country. We call ALL institutions to much greater action to prevent these types of crimes and protect the well-being of its community.

But there is another part of this story that deserves attention.

What We Carry

For many individuals, reading Jane Doe's story may bring back their own.

Many of us experienced sexual assault, abuse, coercion, or exploitation ourselves. Maybe we never told anyone. Many of us spent years convincing ourselves that it was over, we're fine, or that we should simply move on.

And then we read a story like this, and suddenly, the horror comes flooding back.

Vivid details lost for years surface, bringing waves of anger, fear, shock, shame, or helplessness. We replay what happened over and over, and revisit the question:  what we could have done differently?

If this is happening to you, please know this: You are not weak, and you are not going backward.

Trauma can stay with us in ways we don't always understand. Our minds move forward while our bodies and emotions carry the effects of what happened.

What happened to you matters.

One of the most painful parts of sexual violence is that it can leave us questioning ourselves.

Did I do something to cause it?

Why didn't I fight back?

Why didn't I leave?

Why didn't I tell someone sooner?

Why didn't anyone protect me?

KNOW this:  The responsibility belongs to the person who chose to violate you - NOT you.

That is why the allegations emerging from Cornell are so disturbing. Men who participate in sexual violence make profoundly wrong choices that violate another person's dignity and safety. NOTHING gives anyone permission to sexually assault another person.  Not  intoxication, vulnerability, clothing, previous sexual choices, or presence at a fraternity house.

And institutions have a responsibility, too.

When a woman reports sexual violence, she deserves to be heard carefully, treated with dignity, and given a meaningful path toward justice. However, the woman at the center of the Cornell case ended up leaving the institution, while some of the men involved continued on with their education and lives. Whatever the complexities of the investigation, this system left her feeling abandoned, while those accused moved forward unscathed and the school's reputation as a safe place remained intact.

We are grieved and angry.  We expect more from our schools, our institutions, and our communities.

When Trauma Gets Triggered

If this story triggered you, take care of yourself.

You do not have to keep reading every update or watch every video.

It is okay to step away, and it's important to acknowledge and process your reaction.

Talk to someone you trust. Spend time somewhere you feel safe. Pray. Take a walk. Breathe. Put down your phone. If memories or symptoms become overwhelming, consider reaching out to a trauma-informed counselor or other qualified professional.

If you or someone you love is struggling, the book "The Body Keeps the Score," by psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. is a great resource. It explores the ways traumatic experiences can affect the brain, body, emotions, relationships, and even a person's sense of safety. While not a substitute for professional care, it also discusses approaches that can help people move toward healing. 

At All Girls Allowed, we believe every girl and woman has inherent dignity, worth, and purpose.

Sexual violence tries to take those things away. But here's the truth:
Your dignity was not lost because someone violated you.
You are worthy.
There is hope and a good future.

If the Cornell story has stirred up memories of your own experience, be gentle with yourself today. Your story matters. You matter. You deserve to be heard, protected, and treated with dignity. You deserve justice. 

Next Steps

Our free docuseries, SEXploited in America, shares the powerful stories of five young women who endured sexual exploitation, some for years, and found a path beyond their trauma to freedom, healing, and thriving. Their stories offer hope that life beyond exploitation is possible. Watch Season 1, Episodes 3 and 4, here.